Nathan Redshaw on his new security photo card:

"I'm happy with my picture. To be honest, when you're this good looking, it's hard to take a bad picture…"

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction

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Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.

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For 364 days of the year I don't mind that I'm single.

But when Valentines Day comes around...

... I chuffing love it.

Gently moderated. Wouldn't have minded so much had it actually have been funny

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."[/quote]

This joke is not even funny as he's done exactly the same on much fitter bird too.

Love the Eastenders on though.

Think you've misunderstood Dan. He's saying Cole cheated on a much fitter bird (i.e. Cheryl Cole) than Terry did (i.e. Terry's wife).

Not non-football related, but it belongs in this thread!

Funny Pitch Invasion.

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IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garagedoor repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex.

IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!' his reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...

Good looking fella...

The highlight of the Commonwealth Games so far.

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Sadly he was disqualified.

I love the way he looks like he's lining himself up to jump the barrier with some quick steps, and then at the last moment, clearly thinks, "You know what, I can't be bothered", so stops and clambers up instead.

Whose idea was it to put pot plants underneath though??? Looks weird in a rubbish way.